9/29/2016

MOVIE REVIEW


DESCRIPTION: Raunchy 2016 comedy about two hard-partying brothers getting upstaged by their wedding dates.

DIRECTED BY: Jake Szymanski. This was his first movie. He's mainly directed tv episodes.


STUDIO: 20th Century Fox. It did okay at the box office, making almost $76 million on a budget of $33 million.


MY TAKE: It was okay. Had its moments. Everyone was funny but I especially loved Aubrey Plaza.

HOW I WOULD HAVE DONE IT: Zac Efron sex scene. He walks around shirtless a lot, but I say kick it up a notch. Rumor is his aversion to love scenes is attributed to him being a closet queen. He's often been spotted doing drugs and dancing with the gays in West Hollywood.

NOTES:
  • Loosely inspired by an actual 2013 Craigslist ad. The real-life brothers got a lucrative book and movie deal because they were friends with a CAA agent.
  • The real-life brothers have a cameo in the scene when cousin Terry offers to be in the middle of a sandwich between two men who walk by.
  • Comedian T. J. Miller was going to be in it but ended up doing Deadpool instead.
  • Filmed on location at the Turtle Bay resort in Oahu, Hawaii.
  • Adam Devine's girlfriend Chloe Bridges has a cameo as one of the girls talking about the ad.

BOOK REVIEW

Ready Player OneReady Player One by Ernest Cline
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I loved it. My favorite book I've read all year. It's fun. Interesting. And has heart. I also enjoyed the overload of 1980s pop culture trivia.

I'm excited to see how the movie turns out. Especially since Steven Spielberg and the author himself are adapting it.


View all my reviews

9/27/2016

MY LIFE

I've had a bitter falling out with my sister over her husband controlling everything.

She works. He sits on the couch doing nothing.

She and the kids act like slaves cooking and cleaning. He sits on the couch doing nothing.

All of the money is hers. But she gives it to him and then begs me and my parents for everything from detergent to Christmas presents.

If his relatives or friends are doing something, he'll drive to the ends of the earth to be with them. If my sister, the kids or my parents are sick, they have to find someone to take them to the doctor or hospital.

He lets his brother live with them rent free. When our power was out for three days because of flooding, he offered to let us store a handful of things in one of his TWO deep freezes, but only if we were able to walk it over. He only lives on the next block, but driving that was just too hard.

Unlike my parents, I didn't tell her to get a divorce. Her husband's morbidly obese and can barely breathe. I say wait for the fat fuck to drop dead and then take the house and insurance money in triumph.

My suggestion to her is to simply be more assertive. Reign the fucker in. But that caused her to snap. I AM HIS! MY KIDS ARE HIS! You don't understand! You're gay! You live with your parents like a loser!

That last line really hurt me. I just spent the weekend at my friends house. I want a boyfriend. A kid. A house. A dog. A car. I gave all of that up after my parents lost their house and their health failed. My sister turned her back on them. But I'm the loser and the user?

9/25/2016

VINCE AND ZACH FUCK HEATHER

LINK: Vince Cruz and Zach Douglas fuck Heather Kelly.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Hot Guys Fuck.

ANOTHER VERSION SECTION 55

LINK: Another Version Section 55

DESCRIPTION: Japanese straight porn movie from COAT featuring cute guys fucking girls.

ANOTHER VERSION SECTION 49

LINK: Another Version Section 49

DESCRIPTION: Japanese straight porn movie. Hunky athletes fucking girl.

NOTES: I liked the threesome at the end.

TWO JAPANESE GUYS FUCK GIRL IN OFFICE

LINK: Two Japanese guys fuck girl in office.

NOTES: I liked the guy in the gray suit.

JAPANESE LOVE HOTEL THREESOME

LINK: Two Japanese guys fuck girl in love hotel.

TWO JAPANESE HUNKS TAG TEAM SCHOOLGIRL

LINK: Two Japanese hunks tag team schoolgirl.

BLINDFOLD COMPETITION

LINK: Blindfold Competition

DESCRIPTION: Three blindfolded Japanese guys get jerked and sucked by two girls and a guy. One guy then gets to fuck a girl.

DELIVERY SURPRISE

LINK: Delivery Surprise

DESCRIPTION: Japanese guy gets fucked while accepting a delivery at the door.

HANDSOME OFFICE

LINK: Handsome Office

DESCRIPTION: Japanese gay porn movie. Cute guys fucking in an office.

STUDENT COUNCIL

LINK: Student Council

DESCRIPTION: Japanese gay porn movie.

NOTES: The guys were really cute schoolboy twinks.

MY LIFE

I got into a big fight with my brother-in-law over the weekend.

A month ago I offered to buy my niece a dress for her first Homecoming dance. Over and over and over again, every time I offered to go shopping, my brother-in-law pooh-poohed it, choosing to sit around or chase after his friends and relatives instead.

The night before the dance my sister messages me in a panic asking for help. But I worked until 9pm after everything closed. So she asked me if any of my friends could help. But then my brother-in-law found a dress through one of his relatives.

No biggie. But then they asked for a bra. When I was literally on the way to Comic Expo. I told my niece I could help when I got back at 7pm. She said don't worry about it. Again. No biggie.

I post a picture of my niece on Facebook in her pretty outfit. My brother-in-law then responds to it asking why I didn't help? I called him out on it. Reminding that I offered over and over and over again and pointing out that if they were so broke then why were they getting tattoos this weekend? He raged out. Made a fool out of himself. Threatened to kick my ass. Then deleted his posts.

It's stupid.

He's so morbidly obese that he can't even put his shoes on. He sits on the couch all day, taking turns wheezing and napping, while my sister works and she and the kids take care of the house. He doesn't work. He doesn't do anything. He's completely useless. But he controls everything. My sister automatically gives him all of her money. She and the kids mindlessly obey him. DADDY.

Ugh.

The good news is I had a good weekend. Visited my friends at their new house in the small town of Georgetown, Ohio. I might have found a nice new house to rent. Hoping for the best.

9/23/2016

LATINO GUYS DP GIRL

LINK: Two Latino guys tape themselves double-penetrating girl.

NOTES: She really gets into it. DP is a very awkward position.  Usually folks try it and then give up.

DRAYMOND GREEN COCK PIC

LINK: Golden State Warriors NBA player Draymond Green Snapchat picture of his dick

MY LIFE

I went to Cincinnati Comic Expo. It was okay. Ran into a few folks but didn't really see much worth buying. Went home with an overpriced gimp mask and a t-shirt that's a little too large for me.

The highlight was running into John Barrowman (Torchwood, Arrow) out on his own undercover shopping.

The low point was a series of events that made me crankier and crankier.

  • First my sister asked for money for niece's Homecoming dance. An hour later, I saw my unemployed brother-in-law bragging on Facebook about getting new tattoos. They do this all the time. They say they're broke. Then I see them eating out, going to Coney Island, inviting everyone over for a barbecue and to see pay-per-view wrestling. 
  • I actually like going to conventions alone. I see more and do more. But it can get lonely. Especially when you want to take selfies. I need rich nerdy friends. Everyone's either broke and/or a crazy recluse.
  • Getting home was a real bitch. Cincinnati's transit system is so shitty. I thought I had to wait fifteen minutes. Turned out to be an hour. Had to walk five blocks to another stop because of construction just to watch the bus zip by me because of a detour. I ended up walking two miles home. 
  • I almost lost my shit at Coldstone Creamery trying to get a smoothie. The rich people blathering on and on about ice cream toppings wore me down. The girl at the counter ignored me to give free food to the boy flirting with her. Her manager then snapped at me for not being in line. I'm like, what line? The place was so disorganized. 

MOVIE REVIEW

TITLE: The Huntsman: Winter's War

DESCRIPTION: 2016 sequel to the 2012 fantasy movie Snow White and the Huntsman.

DIRECTED BY: Cedric Nicolas-Troyan. This was the French director's first movie. He previously served as the visual effects supervisor for the first movie.

WRITTEN BY: Evan Spiliotopolous (The Rock's version of Hercules, a bunch of Disney direct-to-dvd movies) and Craig Mazin (Identity Thief, Hangover 2 and 3, Scary Movie 3 and 4).

STARRING: Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron, Emily Blunt, Nick Frost, Sam Claflin, Rob Brydon, Jessica Chastain

MY TAKE: I didn't like it.The first movie was lame. So hey, let's make another movie and rip off Frozen while we're at it.

HOW I WOULD HAVE DONE IT: Focus solely on the Snow Queen invading to take vengeance for her dead sister.

NOTES:

  • The continuity is all fucked up. It changed the story of the Huntsman's wife's death. It also retconned Queens Ravenna and Freya as sisters even though in the first movie Ravenna clearly had a brother.
  • The Sony e-mail hack revealed that Charlize Theron was offered way less than Chris Hemsworth. She refused to return for the sequel until she was guaranteed equal pay.
  • Jessica Chastain was contractually obligated to do the movie because it was part of her deal to star in Crimson Peak.
  • It's rumored that Universal Pictures dropped Kristen Stewart and director Rupert Sanders because of the affair they had during the first movie.
  • Liam Neeson has a cameo as the narrator.
  • Frank Darabont was originally going to direct but changed his mind.
  • Filmed in England.
  • Tanked at the box office. It's estimated that Universal lost $40-$70 million.

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9/22/2016

ZEV GETS SUCKED

LINK: Straight Army soldier Zev gets sucked

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Military classified.

NOTES: I like how blunt he was. Most guys enthusiastically ranked their blowjobs as tens. But he shrugged his off as a five.

AIDEN MILLER FUCKS JASON KEYS

LINK: Aiden Miller fucks Jason Keys

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Gay Hoopla.

JORGENSEN GETS SUCKED

LINK: 20-year-old straight marine Jorgensen gets sucked by gay guy.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Military Classified.

NOTES:

  • He was charming. Reminded me a little of Ansel Elgort. 
  • He's now doing gay porn for Gay Hoopla under the name Aiden Miller.

PHIL GETS SUCKED

LINK: 23-year-old straight Australian guy Phil gets sucked by gay guy.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Str8 Fellas.

JOHN GETS SUCKED

LINK: 25-year-old straight Australian guy John gets jerked and sucked by gay guy.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Str8 Fellas.

KYLE GETS SUCKED

LINK: 21-year-old Australian Kyle gets sucked by gay guy.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Str8 Fellas.

TWO REDNECK COWBOYS FUCK BLOWUP DOLL

LINK: Two redneck cowboys fuck blowup doll.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Straight Boys Fucking.

NOTES: Their dirty talk cracked me up. Kinda wish they had a real girl to work with.

PAUL FUCKS CARLA

LINK: Paul fucks Carla

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Ashlee's Playhouse.

CLINT FUCKS SCOTTY

LINK: Clint fucks Scotty

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Ashlee's Playhouse.

JASON FUCKS JENNA

LINK: Jason fucks Jenna.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Ashlee's Playhouse.

TACWOLF 1/29/15 WEBCAM SHOW

LINK: Tacwolf 1/29/15 webcam show.

DESCRIPTION: Chaturbate webcam show. 23-year-old guy gets his dick sucked by his girlfriend and her friend.

HOTRUS1 JUNE 27 WEBCAM SHOW

LINK: Hotrus1 June 27 2015 webcam show

DESCRIPTION: Chaturbate webcam show. Two Russian guys get jerked and sucked by girl.

JACKSON CREAMPIE CUCKOLD

LINK: Jackson fucks the shit out of fat girl and lets her boyfriend lick the cum out of her pussy.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Jacki Love.

HUNG STRAIGHT ARAB GUY FUCKS TRANNY

LINK: Hung straight Arab guy fucks tranny.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Citebeur.

FRENCH STRAIGHT ARAB GUY FUCKS TRANNY

LINK: French straight Arab guy fucks tranny hard.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Citebeur.

HANDSOME HIPSTER HAMMERS TRANNY

LINK: Handsome young hipster hammers tranny Alexia St. James.

NOTES: I've seen this before. MILF-like cougar trannies hooking up with younger guys.

TRANNY SUCKS COLLEGE MUSCLE GUY

LINK: Tranny sucks cute college muscle guy.

HAIRY HIPSTER FUCKS TRANNY

LINK: Hairy 19-year-old hipster fucks tranny.

BI-CURIOUS BABY FACED GUY FUCKS TRANNY

LINK: Cute bi-curious baby-faced guy fucks tranny.

ALLYSINS MOTEL HOOKUPS

LINK: Tranny Allysins gets off one guy after another in a motel room.

NOTES: I'm always amused at just how far a wig will take you.

WAKING UP BABY SIS

LINK: Guy wakes his little sister up by fucking her

9/21/2016

PUT YOUR DICKS IN MY HOLES GUYS

LINK: Guy fucks the shit out of girl while his friend jerks off.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Straight Boys Fucking.

MOVIE REVIEW

TITLE: Don't Breathe

DESCRIPTION: 2016 suspense thriller about three thieves who break into the house of a reclusive blind war veteran to steal his money.

DIRECTED BY: Fede Alvarez (Evil Dead remake)

WRITTEN BY: The director with Rodo Sayagues (Evil Dead remake)

STARRING: Jane Levy, Dylan Minnette, Daniel Zovatto, Stephen Lang

MY TAKE: I liked it. Action-packed and suspenseful with a few WTF moments thrown in here and there. There are elements of The People Under the Stairs, but the bad guy isn't really a monster. In fact, he's surprisingly sympathetic.

NOTES:
  • Produced by director Sam Raimi and his company Ghost House Pictures (Poltergeist remake, Evil Dead remake, The Grudge)
  • I swear it takes me twenty minutes just to put my pants on in the morning, and yet this blind guy can take on three people like it's the easiest thing in the world.
  • Stephen Lang is a great character actor.
  • I have a hardon for Dylan Minnette. Nineteen, smooth, Indiana-bred, kinda preppy, kinda dorky but still sorta buff equals yummy yummy.
  • It's done well at the box office. The budget was $10 million and it's already made three times that with the movie still in theaters.
  • Was originally titled A Man In the Dark. It's called that in Brazil and South Korea.
  • The rottweiler was played by three different dogs.
  • Stephen Lang's line "now your'e going to see what I see" appears in the trailer, but not in the movie.
  • The director, writer, producers, composer and actress Jane Levy all previously worked together on the Evil Dead remake.
  • The safe combination 2978 is the director's birthday. Although what kind of safe brazenly flashes the pass code like that???
  • Set in Detroit, 2488 Buena Vista Street is a real address. Look it up on Google Street View and you'll see just how ghetto the neighborhood is. Literally entire blocks of abandoned houses overrun with weeds.
  • Most of the filming was done in a studio in Hungary.

9/20/2016

TWO HIPSTERS DP GIRL

LINK: Two hipsters DP girl

DESCRIPTION: Scene from Straight Boys Fucking

NOTES: One of the guys uses a buttplug on himself.

DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

LINK: Guy gives his sister a creampie in a storage room.

STRIPPER SISTER SURPRISE

LINK: Blindfolded guy discovers that the stripper he's fucking during his bachelor party is actually his sister.

ARON MATTHEWS FUCKS CALLIE COBRA

LINK: Aron Matthews fucks Callie Cobra

DESCRIPTION: Scene from the 2011 straight porn movie Tiny Little Titties.

ARON MATTHEWS FUCKS VERONICA AVLUV

LINK: Aron Matthews fucks Veronica Avluv

DESCRIPTION: Scene from the 2012 straight porn movie Cougar Tales 5.

ARON MATTHEWS DOES FUCK TEAM FIVE

LINK: Aaron Matthews does Fuck Team Five.

DESCRIPTION: Scene from the Bang Bros series Fuck Time Five featuring porn stars surprising guys to fuck.